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a change up hahaha~  
10:54pm 05/21/2010
Changed up a few of my icons... most of them are old ones. I should probably have a more neutral one for my default but this one cracks me up lol. I had it sitting around for so long and finally had something good to write on it... anyone who can guess BOTH fonts wins a nerd cookie of epicness. >:D

I've been kinda detached from everything for a while which I'm sorry for, but it's mostly just because I haven't been feeling well or in not really the mood to socialize, even just over the computer. I've been officially diagnosed with high blood pressure now, and the number of meds I'm on is like increasing with every doctor visit lol. But I mean if it's gunna help me feel better eventually, I can suck it up I guess. She's trying to help me treat my headaches/migraines too, but it's hard because all of my "ailments" are so interconnected and/or can be caused simply from stress, it's like a bad domino effect. But yeah, listen to this laundry list of medication I take: I'm on 2 blood pressure meds (one I take twice a day), 1 for allergies, 1 for depression/anxiety/panic, 1 migraine preventative, and 1 for insomnia. Then I take daily vitamin and calcium pills. I feel like an old lady already with all the damn RX bottles. XD But yeah also how's this for some BS - when I was talking to my doctor about my headaches/migraines, she was asking what kind of medicine I take for them and how often, and I told her I basically take Ibuprofen like candy along with a half a caffeine pill usually. So she tells me with headaches, the more medicine I take, it almost becomes like an addiction where my body will create headaches so I have to take more and more medicine. D:< Even with just over the counter Ibuprofen! So all these fucking year of doctors telling me to just keep taking Ibuprofen has been really doing nothing but fucking me up more in the long run. DX So yeah she started me on that migraine preventative which will take about a month to really start working, and in the meantime I'm not allowed to take ANYTHING for headaches.. I was totally cool with it and she was saying "You're going to be cursing my name and hate me for it, but for this month don't take ANYTHING." and I was just like "No I won't Samantha, it'll be fine!" Then that night I got a bad migraine and was totally cursing her name. XD I ended up cheating and taking medicine because it was escalating to the point of feeling like I was going to vomit, but ever since then I've not taken anything. ;P IT SUCKS lol.

But yeah I've basically been out of commission, either with headaches or just kinda not feeling well, or feeling too tired to do anything. I don't know if it's the season or the meds or what, but I feel like my chronic fatigueness has somehow managed to just get worse lol. I'm just tired ALL THE TIME. Even at night when I usually feel more active, I don't feel any more energetic or awake. :/ I don't even remember the last time I worked on any art, which is probably not helping my mood. I've played some Apollo Justice and started Miles Edgeworth Investigations on my DS, but I really even haven't been playing video games that much I'm so blah all the time lol. I have been kinda watching a lot of movies and anime lately, so that's been fun at least haha.

I got an amp for my guitar finally, so I was playing around on it trying to teach myself "Sorry Love" by GLAY from watching youtube videos haha. Then my uncle came over and was tuning it and snapped my E string ( I think it's E anyway ). XD; He felt bad and got me new strings, then I snapped the new E when trying to string/tune it. EPICFAILFTL~ I haven't messed with it much since then, but when I'm near Guitar Center I'm gunna ask if I can pick up multiples of the same string so if I hardcore fail again at least I have backup. XD;

I'm looking forward to going to Disneyland again before AX, then I'm going to visit my younger sister in Washington so that'll be fun hopefully. :) She just joined a rollerderby where she is and I'm so proud of her/really freaking excited haha. I think it's just about the coolest thin ever.. I hope when I go up there they will have started the season so I can see her kick some chick's balls~ XD She still needs a good derby name tho.

Have any of you ever had an anger blackout? Like when you get so angry/frustrated that you finally just snap and for example are arguing with someone and don't even remember most of the shit you said? XD; It's happened to me only a few times.. but yeah I got into a pretty epic fight with my mom recently.. she has days when she becomes a fucking retard, and it was one of them. She was just being so stupid, then finally I couldn't take it anymore and I just lost it.. I remember starting to raise my voice during the argument, then next thing I know my step dad is taking my mom out of the house for a drive to cool off/stop crying and I'm storming out into the kitchen collecting shot glasses to put in a bag and smash the shit out of... it was then that I decided I should call my sister to calm down lol. ^^; But yeah, I had to ask my step dad the next day what I was saying cuz since I didn't even know lol. But yeah things are fine between me and my mom, neither of us apologized but we were kinda forced into a cease fire by my step dad, lol. It's whatevers tho.

That's pretty much all that's been up really that's worth mentioning I think.. I'm a bit starving now so I think I'm gunna go find some food. TTYL~

† Bix †
:.mood.: hungryhungry
:.music.: Michael Jackson - Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'
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(no subject)
09:00am 05/24/2010 (UTC)
Niya the Frazzled, yo
I don't take meds for my depression anymore, the ones I was taking weren't doing anything for me and my pysch isn't a pill perscribing one, it's a talk shit out and work shit out. What causes what and how to over come them. Which is really what I need. I never wanted to depend on a crutch like a tablet to make my mood good.

Pain pills, I don't take them often either =\...unless my neck is killing me and causing a headache...I take one heron tablet and go to bed. But maybe try if you get another migrane, get a cold flannel and go and lay down in a dark room with it on your head. I've heard it can help.

hehehehehe XD naughty E string.

I've never had an anger moment like that, well the black out part...But rage yes I have felt that once. I don't/didn't like it, it's also triggered a big thing in my life. Anger and rage feelings just make me cry now =\....cos i don't like being angry...and then I cry....and then I get angry again cos I hate crying XD;...YAY!...Only time I've blacked out was part of a BBQ night we had and I was in the bathroom vommiting my guts up and my BFF was chatting to me...Apparently we were having a deep and meaningful...and I don't even remember (I did drink like a fish that night...No wonder I was trashed.)

I hope you feel better soon Bix!
(just for you entertainment)
I hope youy feel soon Bix! <--- that's what it would have looked like if I didn't stop to check what I was typing cos I realised my brain was going WEEHEEEE full speed ahead!!!!!!
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(no subject)
11:26am 05/28/2010 (UTC)
Bix: BANG :D
Yeah I stopped taking meds for a long time, but finally I felt like my anxiety was beginning to spiral out of control, so I decided I needed to be put back on medication, and then decided I also needed some counseling even though I hate it haha.

Yeah I was taking ibuprofin almost daily for headaches or other pain. Yeah I usually have to retreat to a dark room, and I've tried heat and cold to help my head but neither seems to do much. :/

Yes that damn string. XD I still need to go get more haha.

I've felt outright rage before too, where it felt like everything drained from me only to be filled with Hulk like anger lol. Luckily it doesn't happen too often that I'm that infuriated, and even less to the point where I have the anger black outs haha. But yeah I often cry when I'm angry, usually out of frustration, and also because I hate crying I'll cry more sometimes. XD OMG that sounds horrible tho! D: Throwing up is never fun.

Thank you love~ <3 And LOL!! Well we all know I have no feelings except for ANGEREVENGE. XD
picword: BANG :D
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(no subject)
08:36am 06/01/2010 (UTC)
Niya the Frazzled, yo: Dr Who [11] - We had arrived
I guess we all think we know better...Like my Dad seeing how long he can go without his meds (which is NOT a good thing, 3 types of athuritis x_X;...and depression etc) it's like a recipe for DISASTER and Dad not being able to move :(...Same with depression and anxiety I guess. Either think its not doing anything (cos it's working but we think it's not cos your mind/body is so used to being anxious, it sometimes acts like it even when on meds) and stop or you think "I'm cured!" (not so easy....) but in some cases the not working thing, well it isn't working....

Kara blabbs lots hey....

Yeah my Dad pretty much lives on nurofen + (which apparently is one of ibuprofin's trademarks o_O)...But yeah not good on long term and you gotta make sure you EAT before taking =\...I've found that paracetamol works for me and codeine doesn't =\...so i normally take heron and panadol for head aches now :3 and it works ^o^

ahahaha is the string being nice now?

Yup like me XD;....angry; cry; angry cos crying; cry more out of fustration of being angry......horrible never ending circle until something cheers you up...or your eyes hurt so much.....

No throwing up isn't...though sometimes it can be a good thing to get rid of that spewy feeling.....Like when I had a cold once and I was feeling REALLY horrid....mainly cos I was drugged up (a lil too much)....had to throw up...felt soooo much better afterwards XD;

LOL!!!!! <3<3<3
picword: Dr Who [11] - We had arrived
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(no subject)
07:13am 06/07/2010 (UTC)
Yeah being on medicine is a tricky thing... there are times when the doctors ask me if I think the medication is working (usually talking about my anti-anxiety/depression meds), and sometimes I feel like I'm not sure lol. Like you'd think it'd be obvious, "well have you been feeling less anxious?" .. but sometimes it's hard to say... because I'm so anxious and a worrywort about something all the time it's somehow to to tell when i'm not feeling or feeling less anxious or worried. XD;

That's good! :D Yeah so far I think I've been getting less super bad headaches, but still getting them. XD My main issue right now tho is my sever lack of energy.. I really just feel so tired ALL THE TIME.. and I'm not sure if that's all the medicine or what. :/

LoL no I still haven't managed to get a new string. XD

It is a frustrating cycle! :: shakes fist ::

Yeah there's nothing quite like that feeling of relief after you've felt so sick for a while then finally have vomitted. XD
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(no subject)
10:47am 06/07/2010 (UTC)
Niya the Frazzled, yo: SG [JxA] - *squish*
It can be =(...what works for one doesn't work for another. Like my ex has been through at lease a dozen medications to find one that helps everything. Mind you he has Schizophrenia, but also suffers with depression and anxiety. Yup it is hard, you mind because its generally anxious and worrying I think/believe it plays tricks on you when you aren't...

But ya gotta try and find your triggers (what starts the anxiety) and not go out and combat it but find ways to manage it. Which is what I have been working on with my pysch.

No energy is part of depression....But can also be diet. I find though if I am lacking in sleep it makes my head hurt, cos there is extra strain on everything. But might be a combination of all of them. You said you just started back on them hey? Your body might just be getting used to them again. Diet though, you need to eat veggies and fruit (they say 3 veg and 2 fruit)....Helps with everything and seems to give you that energy.

XD; aw LOL, I guess you'll get there eventually.

I was having an interesting conversation with Mum the other night. She was drunk ¬¬...But I was saying that I never let my anxiety stop me from going to work....But she didn mention that I ended up hiding under my desk a few times which is anxiety....;3;

Yeah...just kinda wish it didn't burn and taste like crap XD;....LOL
picword: SG [JxA] - *squish*
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"I am not the kind of Goddess of Victory that people cheer for. I am merely a marionette who is fighting to cut off her own strings. At my feet is a hill covered in skeletons, I am nothing but an angel of death."
- Alexiel, Angel Sanctuary Vol.11

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